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Okay so. you know how I said I kind of wanted to get fired because of the lousy pay, how I would be making more on JSA per month than I was at work?
[I mean SRSLY U GUYS. Who the hell can get by on £200 a month?! If I'm going to get that sort of ridiculous and insulting income I'd rather not have to wake up at 5:30 am to get it!]

Hummmm!Collapse )

I just hope that they actually do give me MY money and I end up with- at the VERY least- £150 by the middle of June, otherwise. Well. It'll be the first year since the 3 Wishes Faery Fest started, that I wouldn't have been able to attend. And the idea of that just makes me feel so sick. I don't even care if I can afford food or drink at the event, as long as I can be there, but now, because of these assholes, it looks like I may not be. The only time I get to proplerly see the people who mean the most to me in the world and who make me feel the most like myself, and it could be taken away? Hell to the no.

I won't find out until the last day of this month. If they don't pay me anything, it will suck hardcore but always looking on the bright side, I won't be able to buy any food so at least I will lose those extremely unwanted extra 20 lbs.

Inside yet apart from all of this, though, I have learned something I really didn't want to ever have to learn. I like to give things to people. I like to make or buy things for them. Giving things away is something... that just happens. It's arisen that there are people out there who will carelessly take advantage of another's generous nature, and while they are swanning about having nights out and holidays as if those were "normal" activities, not even THINKING of the person they stepped all over, the other party [in this instance, me] is sitting at home watching shitty reruns without so much as 20p to their name. I never give just to get things back, but when people blatantly take the piss, I just wish I could have been more selfish. Why should I have to change just because other people suck? I *like* being nice, but if this is where it gets you, you can keep it. :(


Gone "cold turkey" on the booze & fags. Not sure this is the best way to do it, and didn't realize I was so dependent until the past few days, as the last drink and smoke I had was on Thursday ["me? a smoker? naaah, just one or two every now and then when others are smoking" seems to have turned, without my noticing, into "I haven't had a cigarette for half an hour, I need one!"], but being poor may be a really good thing. There's no option to go out and buy these things- as as much as I am tempted, I actually cannot cave. I don't have the £2.92 to buy the cheapest packet of tobacco in the shop, or £1.09 for the cheapest cider to spare.

But I wanna caaaaaaave! :( It's Glee night, and I *always* have a drinky when Glee is on! It will prove to me that I can live without these things. I pretty much hate them and the way they make me feel, anyway, so don't understand why I want them so much!

I'm actually not as completely broke as it sounds, but have just enough now to get my 3 Wishes ticket and that's NOT worth being compromised just so I can poison my insides for a night or two for no other reason than pure habit combined with boredom. [have been getting into yoga lately, not just for fitness but for overall wellbeing of mind as well as body] I've also been more productive in knitting & making things since actually being in control of my mind. The proof is in the first day after not-drinking, in this post showing that a fukcing awesome jacket can be made in half-a-day [without a pattern, I just did it from scratch using my mind]. Not saying I'll never drink or smoke again in my life, but also appreciate how doing those things TOO much restricts growth & development of who I want myself to become. It also means I don't send 1200 text messages a night to anyone who happens to have the misfortune of being in my "phone book"
Am considering jumping the train because I won't have anything left to sort out the travel XD
Plus I just looked up train prices and a return to Plymouth on the required dates will be £229. I can get it cheaper if I wanted to arrive at 2pm [not counting the time for the ferry, which means I'll probably get there at 4pm and miss pretty much everything!] on the first day of the festival and that is just UNACCEPTABLE. Especially seeing as there are NEW GROUNDS TO EXPLORE! Which is bullcrap, because I've gotten them for around £30 before on much shorter notice when I was seeing Rob and going to Plymouth every other weekend. WTF. I miss Rob, he was so great to hang out and be completely silly with. *sigh* if only he weren't such a sexual being, I think we could have made it ... :( He was even there at the last ever gathering of london_t00bs when Sam & Lucy still [barely. sniff.] lived in The FFOVAJ! That place was freaking awesome. I digress.....

Oh yeah, and applied for JSA today, wooo. Most likely won't get anything for a month or 2 though, so that's no help! Yup. It looks like I don't have a job anymore, YAY! I'll have more free time and be just as ass-broke as I am when I have to grudgingly wake up at 5:30 am every day! I will severely miss the banter with my crazy-ass coworkers though, especially Monika and Liva! I love Monika SEVERELY. You guys have no idea! You would all love her, she's FUCKING amazing. So amazing that if I were to win a lot of money, she would automatically be invited into the Cheese Tribe House that would be bought. She talks about balls a LOT. In the best hilarious ways!
Not having to get up early means I watched about 8 of the 6987249 back-to-back episodes of Family Guy BBC3 were showing last night, as well as being able to immerse myself in the unexpected glory of this!! :D

EDIT Got bus tickets instead- £38 return. Much better than £229 or the only other alternative of being caught without a ticket, fined profusely, and shamed endlessly :P
Plus, I 'know' Plymouth and the buses go to the exact same place as the trains do- so you guys going to 3WFF who are getting the train can meet me there at the station and we can find out how to get this ferry together ^_^ [I arrive at something stupid like 6 AM so there's NO WAY we can miss each other XD]

Oh yeah PS: Leroy, am guessing you need me to bring your sleeping bag? I was hoping you wouldn't want to keep it, because I have used it in Manchester and Brighton and it's really the warmest thing EVER and I want it for myself XD [but don't worry, I do have my own sleeping gear which wins in another way because it's purple :P]

Who wants to be a LOLlionnaire?

::Lately I haven't been feeling inspired... Usually I end up with loads of random pieces of paper with sketches for clothes/jewellery, even if I never make them, but lately I haven't even been getting any ideas at all. This morning I thought I should MAKE myself make something, and once I was into it then the other stuff would flow. So I started making the long-planned jacket from the gorgeous purple fluffy material given to me by the gorgeous fluffy unseeliefiend. Traced another jacket I have onto big paper, cut pieces out to make the pattern, cut the fabric, pinned, tacked... when I got to the sewing machine to finish it off I realized why I stopped making things or wanting to. THE SEWING MACHINE IS A CHEAP PIECE OF USELESS CRAP! It completely ruined my motivation because it's always going wrong, the thread unthreads itself from the needle every couple of inches, you choose "C" stitch and it comes out like "A" stitch's deformed cousin. It chews precious fabric, fluffy or not. JSKLJIUOSHJLh!!!! But it still might be better than doing everything by hand. I wish I could buy a new one... which leads me nicely onto...

::Hopefully I get fired. I WANT to get fired. My last paycheck was £200. yes. For the MONTH. FFS, what the hell is THAT?! I'd rather just not have a job at all. Even though I love the people I work with and don't want to leave them.... WHAT THE HELL MAN?! That's what some lucky bastardfaces get in a WEEK [fair enough, *I* don't know anyone that rich but they must be out there :P] Goddamn.

Here's a nice cartoon from Explosm to make everyone feel good.

Here, have some FABULOUS recipes!

Other people and stuff

....It's just SO random to think of Corie and Nedda as being married. I mean. WTF?!

We're surely all still 16, right?!

They shouldn't make such rash decisions at this age! I mean- I haven't even met the guy! They've probably been going out for like 2 weeks or something. How .... what! I don't understand! It's seriously only been a few months since N was complaining about Colin, and now all of a sudden she's just married to some random guy that none of us have heard of?!?

How the hell can other peoples' lives be on such a different time scale to mine when we are all on the same planet? DUDE.
Would you live in the perfect house or apartment rent-free if you found out a brutal murder had taken place there and it was rumored to be haunted? Why or why not?

HELL YEAH. Rent free?! I would live somewhere like that anyway without knowing about the history, if I had to pay for it like normal- actually if I found out about the murder it would make me want to live there even more! To have it rent-free is just a MAJOR bonus! Mainly, any place rent-free is a bonus, and I think the past is the past and whatever happened there is done- it can't hurt you now even though there are echoes still bounding off the walls. It doesn't make any difference and you shouldn't be afraid. Honestly, I'd be a tad disappointed if I moved into the aforementioned property there were no ghosts [I have lived in 2 houses with ghosts, visited about 4 others and they were never aggressive in any way, only very interesting to observe], but whatever. Rent-free, bitches! Plus bonus hauntings! Stuff that most people go on stupid $300 weekends to famous cemeteries to try and find but end up with nothing, you can have truly in your own home on a daily basis? HELL. FUCKING. YES.

[Then again, I'd love nothing more than to explore an old abandoned mental asylum from the 1800s in the dark... which probably isn't everyone's idea of a "fun night out"!]


No. I don't know "why". Question me and you question your UNIVERSE! [OR SOMETHING EQUALLY AS AMBIVOLOUSLY SINISTER!]

Mar. 31st, 2011

night throws you right at youCollapse )

In other recent news:

::I cannot actually remember the last time I had an alcoholic beverage or a Herbal Cigarette. This pleases me.

::going to some "do" in April- I don't even really know what it is but thanks to Big Chris & Tractor Andy, I am on the VIP Guest List XD

::Trying to pick up my guitar again. Getting chords for Be Good Tanyas and A Fine Frenzy songs that would be awesome to play, to stir up the motivation circulation :P

::LOVING Smallville even though it seems to be in like... the 5th series or something and I need to catch up from the beginning ...somehow.

::SPEAKING OF CATCHING UP. SPN. I have only seen up to 6:4 D: D: D: There was someone willing to copy the rest onto CDs for me but I never manage to be around where they are, when they are [we all know I am laaaame] :P

::Cleaning up the complete HEAP that used to be the back bedroom.

Thanks to Kye, I have just seen THIS. Heavenly Death! I actually cannot STAND it. EVER.
Holy CRAP the Avalon Ball was amazing! Yeah, like that's a big surprize XD Until about 2 days beforehand, it looked like I wasn't even going [couldn't afford train/bus & accomodation], until JESUS HIMSELF APPEARED TO ME AND SHOWERED ME WITH EVERYTHING. Okay, so it was Oli really but the miracle of last-minute-savedness cannot be denied. He offered me a lift AND a place to sleep for £40 gas money. Holy crap. The ride down there was fKJScking awesome- he's just gotten back from Eugene [Oregon- and anyone who knows anything knows that means Kelly & Emilio LOVE] and Cali [which means HP Regan -Monsta and Leroy, she is the one from that card who used me as a cushion HAHA ;P]. He told me of some beautiful times and interesting developments that happened there, we listened to some fantastic music, stopped at Stonehenge and had a cup of tea sitting on the dusty bank.....

and theeeeeen we got to Glastonbury!!!Collapse )

After checking this week's shift schedule I was simultaneously glad and annoyed that they only gave me 3 shifts. Glad because of a sudden exhaustion and urgency to rest a lot, and annoyed because "why the hell am I even doing this crap- waking up at ungodly hours, stretching myself thin for these people while those on JSA get more money per week than I do, with the added bonus of still being asleep at 5:30 in the morning [which is something that shouldn't even be considered a luxury]?"
Still, as mentioned, the days off would allow me to refresh myself which I justifiably viewed as vital.
On Tuesday afternoon there was a phone call informing me that "you WILL work Thursday at Thistle" [Oh god. Working in that place is like not only being near a Dementor, but carrying its twins. It's not me, everyone else hates it there too. Perhaps because it's on the road that leads to Slough, it's got a shadow of gloom constantly encasing it!] "....from 6:30 am until 6 pm". Firstly, there was no "are you available to work Thursday?" and secondly, one of the reasons everyone hates it there is that during 10 or 11 hour shifts, they only let you have a 10-minute break. That's no exaggeration. They also don't seem to care that doing so is actually ILLEGAL, no matter how many of the staff inform them. [There are about fifty other reasons it sucks but going on for too long about it will just be depressing for all of us.]

Well, today is Thursday. I'm writing this at 7:10 am in my room with my phone switched off. I woke up with my alarm at just-before-5, made a cup of tea... and just caved. I know that in failing to show up, I will lose my job & won't get my paid holiday that I am entitled to [which is actually only £100. I could use that, sure, but I am of the opinion that not being depressed and homicidal is worth far more than any amount of money.] There's already been a sufficiency- nay, an abundance!- in my life of squeezing myself dry in order to merely obtain something I cannot even stand. I didn't just "not show up cause I couldn't be assed", it was an informed decision.

Nobody can give me a life I want, I have to get it myself.

So that's what I'mma do.

[EDIT:: 8:35 pm here is an excerpt from near-the-end of a book I am reading right now, which I only just got to but encapsulates how I feel about self-development at this particular point in time. Only she is WAY better with words than me, and this is not the only part of the book that's made me go "......woah. HellFcukingYES."
Oak and AcornCollapse )

[PS. I still am internetless and miss knowing what's happening in you guyses' lives! I'm not ignoring anyone and hate that it might appear as though that's the case!]

Oh, what a fine frenzy

Wow. so nevermind.... things really need to not scare me so bad when they're not really scary at all.
I need some, like, mountaintop ninja Buddhist eye-closed-fly-catching serenity training with an old bald guy or some shit. Chill the fuck out, Monkeypants, and admit that you might actually be curious and hopeful [even though every time it seems different but just isn't and I PROMISED I'd never sabotage myself or my happiness that way again...].

Stupid drunken overreacting. Not thinking about how I *want* to feel about it and acting accordingly, noooo, I have to take one little sentence and start blowing up office buildings with my machine-gun-eyeballs out of very old and very bad habit. A habit that got me into this mess to begin with.

Unnecessary and it needs to stop! If I become completely honest, I think I'd actually like it. That guy isn't every other guy and is actually pretty damn good. The only thing I'm worried about is ruining it by being like ... how I was a couple of days ago, except somewhere he could see. That would SUCK! Because it's how I feel, yeah, it's a deep truth.... but also it's totally NOT how I feel at the same time. UURRGH. WORDFAIL.

Anyway- things I think of to make me feel good and laughy when I don't feel good and laughy:
-Leroy punching me in the throat in Satan's Hollow
-Monsta's love for Shakira's REALLY GOOD AND REALISTIC wolf-howl
-Mugiwara Kaizokudan!
-The time Tibbs fell off the back porch in Sumter [actually, anything Tibbly :D]
-"we were the hard-rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Freely and... THE BAT." and 3 million other Venture Bros quotes ;)
-the video on the bus of "heeeeeyyyyy..... YOUR MOOOOOM!"
-the world & soundtracks of arealwildchild


Okay, so I don't know, but I have a feeling that the guy I mentioned liking before-and not being scared about- might want to be my boyfriend at some point. Only now I am scared. First of all, I'm not so weak and cowering that I think I "need" anyone to "validate" me or my life, which is the only reason I can think anyone would get themselves into such a situation [okay, so like 1% of people that have boyfriends have them because they actually like it and care about the person- but for the majority, having a boyfriend just means admitting you can't live your life as you want to and need someone to tell you what to do and how to do it.] God. UGH. Man! I wouldn't mind being "with" this guy if it wasn't for .... well, the truth. I am perfectly fine as I am and I *LIKE* being able to do things I enjoy. If I agree to any kind of relationship, all that is gonna go straight to shit. He will make me live with him and have disgusting bacon and ham in my fridge and put crap all around where we'd live like he's the only one there... because if you get into a romantic relationship it's like signing a contract that says "I don't like my things where I put them and I would rather my entire life be ovverrrun with your stuff and pretty soon I won't even like my own music anymore or have my own ideas" because that's how it is- you need to give stuff up but the other person totally doesn't. WHO THE FUCK MADE IT THAT WAY? That's ... just horrible. And selfish!

Maybe if going with someone was more 2-sided, I'd probably be in line at the box office on opening day. But the way things stand, I just ..... will NOT hand over total Life-Control to someone that's only going to be around for 3 months [2 of which are guaranteed to be miserable while you try to plot your way out of that trap they laid]. I would like to think he's one of that 1% of people who aren't like that, but it's a fucking long fucking shot. Fucking. Long shot. And a 1% chance isn't worth risking that kind of misery, is it? No. No it's not.
Humans are not compatible with humans. The End. Story Over. GO HOME!

Thank GOD for Jared-And-Jensen-In-Fic™. They never have this kind of crap, and any crap they may have is over and finishes with hot making out 10 minutes later. Which never happens for realz, which is why it's fic and which is why it's good- and the only human-to-human relationship I shall ever need XD